13 Oct The Psychology of Gaslighting written by Carl J Barge

The history of gaslighting is an intriguing study of human behaviour—the desire to control, manipulate and intentionally attempt to completely change another person’s perception of reality.

In the 1930s a British playwright created ‘Gas Light”. However, the more noteworthy illustration is taken from the film in 1944, where the main antagonist attempts to drive his wife crazy with all sorts of parlour tricks to convince her that she is indeed going mad.

The intended goal and method of the gaslighter are to create doubt within their intended victim. As a therapist and clinical supervisor, the examples witnessed are varied and manifest in different ways. The more prevalent is through romantic relationships, the workplace and the family dynamic. How many times have we seen the dashing man (young or old) sweep a woman off of feet? Wine and dine her for a period of weeks, and suddenly, when she is totally enamoured with him, he flips the switch. Informing her that she can’t see her family, friends without him being present. Every aspect of her life is controlled. If you think he is cheating, he will say you are and make you believe you are crazy for questioning his loyalty to the relationship. There is also the element of physical abuse as well and again making you feel responsible for provoking him into the heinous act.

Gaslighting within the workplace can be quite insidious when the person is in the position of power. As a result, the victim is made to feel as though they have no recourse and can, in some instances, be in this position for years culminating in dismissal, depression and suicide. Some years ago, a friend provided an insight into her experience when working as a Civil Servant. She was often shamed in front of other colleagues, looked over for promotion, and when she attempted to confront the gaslighter, the presented truth was distorted and rebuked. As a result, my friends’ mental health suffered, and she was forced out of her job feeling confused, and in disbelief of a career, livelihood ripped from her grasp.

Gaslighting within families can take many forms. Working with men who were parented by gaslighters is one such form. Their pattern of relating has been influenced to such a degree that at times the gaslighted has become the gaslighter. Growing up in the home where drugs and alcohol were misused could provide an environment of not knowing which mood your parent would be in on any given day. As a result, you are never sure where you stand and if your parent will hit you or hug you. A client shared that his father took him and his brother one day to their shed in the garden. His father was an alcoholic. In the shed, he produced a gun and held it to the temple of their beloved dog. He shot the dog in front of the two boys and told them it was an example to never love anything too much. As an adult, my client had embraced that sentiment his whole life. When he saw a postman walking up to his door whistling happy tunes, it unnerved him that the man had the audacity to be happy in the presence of his front door.

Unfortunately, these themes are not uncommon, and it is important to recognise the signs that may be present when the traits of a gaslighter are realised. We must also reference Narcissistic tendencies in relation to the gaslighter. They think highly of themselves, but it is an oxymoron as their self-concept is weak and fragile at best. The reason they want to control you is to validate and support their sense of self.

The essential ways to avoid being gaslighted is to recognise the signs and address what you’re witnessing. To avoid conflict for the sake of causing a scene will only provide the fuel necessary to empower the gaslighter. It is also equally important to actively listen to what is being discussed in your presence and the actions of the gaslighter. Standing up for self is crucial as the narcissistic gaslighter will not want to be shamed or humiliated in front of others. The end goal is not about winning or losing but the recognition that you refuse to be a victim or play the game any longer.

Carl J Barge is a Counsellor, Psychotherapist and Lecturer.